WHOM SHOULD I MARRY?
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{An alarming number of young
girls are looking hard for that elusive perfect mate, even while
surrounded by perfectly acceptable male friends
I see so many young female
colleagues and acquaintances eager to marry but unable to find the
right match that it is worrisome.They move around in mixed groups, claim
men as buddies and are willing to settle down and have babies. But when
it comes to the crux, they reject one suitor after another,
preferring the safety of numbers and the freedom of singlehood. I
see this essentially as a problem of too many options. With the freedom
of choice comes responsibility, and it is this responsibility that
doesn't sit well on the shoulders of the young.Decisions become so much
tougher when you have choices. Two
generations ago, a girl just grew up and was handed over in matrimony to
a family and a man, in that order; she had no choice and had to adjust
to her new home and people. From one home to another, not much changed
for her; she played second fiddle to the men in both houses.
A generation later, the girl was educated, set on a defined career path, then introduced to a few boys selected carefully by her parents, and adeptly steered toward the smarter choice. More or less confined at home till that point with a strictly supervised upbringing, her exposure to men confined to father or brothers, she saw marriage as a ticket to freedom and self-determined choices.
But today, by the time the issue of marriage is raised, she has already been working for a number of years, is used to and appreciative of her independence, and counts several men as friends and colleagues. Financial stability and personal security are no longer her triggers for marriage. Nor is curiosity about the other sex, or romance and relationships. Armed with her independence, financial security and a good lifestyle, she becomes wary of losing it all to one bad decision. A deep-seated fear has her dithering for so long that it gets too late. No wonder the average age of marrying for men and women in the urban landscape is rising as they wait too long.
I asked a young girl of my acquaintance why girls in her group didn't choose to marry one of the many male friends within the circle, when they all seemed to get along famously. Why were they busy looking for marital alliances elsewhere.She explained that it is difficult to switch to thinking romantically about a guy you have considered just a friend. Moreover, in some cases, the family backgrounds didn't match or religious considerations came in the way. Sometimes career paths diverged. “We could,“ she said, “but we are not that sure of each other in a marital sense. Sometimes, you wait for the guy to offer to make the switch, at other times the idea seems preposterous. So we just cruise along as we are, rather than risk losing a friend.“
Another girl who has a steady friendship with one boy (not a relationship, she specifies) says the only thing that holds them back from taking the next step is his fear and commitment phobia.
So many complications, fears and considerations. These young girls seem to be looking for everything and trying to please everyone, most of all their own selves. You cannot have it all. Caught between traditional requirements of status and background on one hand, and their own desire for romance and independence on the other, these girls seem to be having a tough time taking the final step. Often it is at this stage that parents, who have happily abdicated the marital decision to their children, receive an SOS and have to gear up to look for arranged matches yet again.
Young girls need to be told that once due diligence is done, one has to just follow one's gut instinct and go for something with your eyes half shut. Yes, even for a marriage. In the end, all marriages pan out the same way, however they may have begun. Nothing but your own sense of commitment and determination keeps a marriage healthy.
And all parents need to do is armour children with a good education, sterling values and a confidence in their choices.And maybe just a little, final shove over the diving board as they dither.
The opinions expressed in this column are the personal views of the writer
It's Your Life -Best of O-zone by Vinita Dawra Nangia Available at leading bookstores and shopping.indiatimes.com. Or call 80100588888010558888.for doorstep delivery
A generation later, the girl was educated, set on a defined career path, then introduced to a few boys selected carefully by her parents, and adeptly steered toward the smarter choice. More or less confined at home till that point with a strictly supervised upbringing, her exposure to men confined to father or brothers, she saw marriage as a ticket to freedom and self-determined choices.
But today, by the time the issue of marriage is raised, she has already been working for a number of years, is used to and appreciative of her independence, and counts several men as friends and colleagues. Financial stability and personal security are no longer her triggers for marriage. Nor is curiosity about the other sex, or romance and relationships. Armed with her independence, financial security and a good lifestyle, she becomes wary of losing it all to one bad decision. A deep-seated fear has her dithering for so long that it gets too late. No wonder the average age of marrying for men and women in the urban landscape is rising as they wait too long.
I asked a young girl of my acquaintance why girls in her group didn't choose to marry one of the many male friends within the circle, when they all seemed to get along famously. Why were they busy looking for marital alliances elsewhere.She explained that it is difficult to switch to thinking romantically about a guy you have considered just a friend. Moreover, in some cases, the family backgrounds didn't match or religious considerations came in the way. Sometimes career paths diverged. “We could,“ she said, “but we are not that sure of each other in a marital sense. Sometimes, you wait for the guy to offer to make the switch, at other times the idea seems preposterous. So we just cruise along as we are, rather than risk losing a friend.“
Another girl who has a steady friendship with one boy (not a relationship, she specifies) says the only thing that holds them back from taking the next step is his fear and commitment phobia.
So many complications, fears and considerations. These young girls seem to be looking for everything and trying to please everyone, most of all their own selves. You cannot have it all. Caught between traditional requirements of status and background on one hand, and their own desire for romance and independence on the other, these girls seem to be having a tough time taking the final step. Often it is at this stage that parents, who have happily abdicated the marital decision to their children, receive an SOS and have to gear up to look for arranged matches yet again.
Young girls need to be told that once due diligence is done, one has to just follow one's gut instinct and go for something with your eyes half shut. Yes, even for a marriage. In the end, all marriages pan out the same way, however they may have begun. Nothing but your own sense of commitment and determination keeps a marriage healthy.
And all parents need to do is armour children with a good education, sterling values and a confidence in their choices.And maybe just a little, final shove over the diving board as they dither.
The opinions expressed in this column are the personal views of the writer
It's Your Life -Best of O-zone by Vinita Dawra Nangia Available at leading bookstores and shopping.indiatimes.com. Or call 80100588888010558888.for doorstep delivery
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